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Dream a little dream...

Dream a little dream...

Chris Hudson4 Aug 2017 - 14:50
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No match doesn't mean no match report.

Match report (hypothetical)- July 29th
Reigate Priory VI-Kings (>300-3) vanquished Tonbridge Foresters (not very many, all out)
*What follows is the kind of match report most Captains only dream of writing. In other words it is complete fiction but represents how the match should have been.

It was a glorious day for cricket. 26 degrees, mainly sunny with a gentle breeze- enough to cool you down but not strong enough to prevent your lofted drive from reaching the rope. Captain Hudson had had the pick of the club’s strongest players this week, to a man they were clamouring to turn out for the VI-Kings in order to sip from the cup of bonhomie that is the 6th XI. Naturally, Hudson ignored the chance to drop in ten ‘ringers’ and went with his normal group of affable stalwarts. Everyone made their own way to the ground and arrived in enough time to help with the setup and make tea for all the players before the match. The pre-match warm up was proactively led by one of the Vice Captains and enabled the team to be focused a ready for action.
Having won the toss (again), Hudson magnanimously offered the choice to Tonbridge. Their skipper, recognising the beautifully rolled batting track that is Mynthurst, thought it would be uncharitable to prevent the heroic VI-Kings from enjoying its splendour first and suggested Reigate pad up. The crowd (for there were dozens of loyal followers assembled) cheered excitedly at the prospect of seeing some tactically flawless work by the Reigate batsmen. Hudson was first to the crease alongside Andy Newbold, who had returned from his third holiday of the summer especially for this match. Hudson ably ducked and weaved away from the ferocious bouncers that Tonbridge’s attack initially consisted of. His scoring shots came freely after the first over as he cycled through his extensive range of on-drives, back foot punches, reverse sweeps and leg glances. Only twice did the Captain actually clear the rope with maximums, but these shots appeared to be an accident of his great power rather than a form of aggressive play. He would quickly reach his fifty, only to be given out ‘handled the ball’ when failing to seek the permission of the fielders to hand a ball back to the keeper. Meanwhile, Newbold, having had his cortisone injection only a few hours before, was feeling like a new man and was taunting the fielders by repeatedly lobbing shots within several feet of them but never close enough to catch. Preferring to take the majority of his runs in singles (for the exercise), he too would reach 50 only to retire (thirsty). By this stage the VI-Kings were 100-1, and the next two in were Chris Dahl and Kyle Haughton. Dahl, fresh from his highest ever score with the Surrey over 50s (against a Welsh XI) was, by his own admission, feeling a bit worn from the efforts of his innings at Llandudno CC. His attempts to ‘bat around’ this condition led him to try his hand at a variety of hook shots and scoops in order to facilitate the boundary more effectively. The Tonbridge spinners were particularly bemused at this approach and found it fiercely difficult to set a field for him. In the end Dahl, trying to hit across an 8-1 field, found the only on-side player with a thick inside edge that wasn’t so much caught as lodged in the jumper. Fortunately for him no damage was done to his average as he had reached 15 runs by this stage. Kyle Haughton was in a hungry mood and established his intentions with a straight six into the next door paddock off the first ball. Sadly, this meant a new ball for the oppo to bowl with as no other replacements were available. Thereafter the angry man of cricket was consigned to streaky edges and leg byes as the new cherry proved to be a beguiling addition to the Tonbridge attack. However, this seemed to work as third man was not in the Tonbridge skipper’s repertoire and the bloke at fine leg was often distracted by the herd of heifers that had gathered to keep him company along the fence with their bovine banter. Before long, Haughton Sr. was past 50 and building momentum. The crowd- who had temporarily found amusement in Chris Hannigan’s warm ups at the nets- were once again riveted at the battle going on in the middle. Batting with Haughton by this stage was Simon Morris (the one league player allowed to join the side this week) who was only interested in perpendicular dispatches; he hit almost everything as a straight cut or pull shot to square. It was almost as if his front foot was not required for this innings. Yorkers were delicately pushed back to the bowler, googlies were adeptly defended and the reverse swing, when it finally arrived, was no problem at all for Mr. Morris. He would finish on 44 (not out) and only time prevented the advent of his half century. Meanwhile Haughton had completed his century at the other end but curiously chose the next ball to soldier arms on one that jagged back to him. The score was about 300-3 and Hudson could see that Tonbridge had had enough. He declared at this stage (with 5 overs remaining) in order to extend tea. The club had sent along a rather delightful range of catered delicacies and the serious challenge in the interval was what wine to choose with one’s sirloin steak or BBQ prawns. If it wasn’t for the brief rub downs offered by the masseuse it would have been very difficult indeed to take the field again at all. Tonbridge are notorious for playing for the draw and on many previous occasions the VI-Kings have been frustrated by the Boycottesque tactics they have employed. This time there would be no quarter given. Chris Hannigan opened the bowling as usual and achieved that most inspiring of all results- the first ball wicket. The Tonbridge opener had attempted to step backward and guide a straight one to leg side, only to miss it altogether. The ball ended up hitting both pads right in front of middle stump for an irrefutable LBW. An immediate reward for Hannigan’s novel and brave new line (on the wicket). Sensing that the track had been roughed up enough for a bit of turn, Jim Harmer demanded the ball and set to work in mesmerising the rest of the Tonbridge top order. Behind the sticks the Reigate skipper had to employ all of his dexterity to keep up with the furious spin as each delivery seemed to express its own personality and direction. Fortunately the batsmen were similarly perplexed and after the third stumping they had collectively decided to avoid any type of attacking shot at all in the interests of self-preservation. Jim’s fourth wicket was perhaps the most delicious as the batsman obstructed (but not blocked) a fullish ball that wheeled around his feet with its momentum and dislodged a bail after resting against the stump in an unnatural manner. Add another jug to the list Ray. Hannigan’s third wicket (which saw the middle stump cartwheeling gracefully towards the slip cordon) was enough for him on this day and he insisted that the Captain allow another to share in the spoils. This left JD Vyas to torment the Tonbridge tail with his series of wrong ‘uns and flippers. He refused to celebrate the most ostentatious of his wickets (which bowled the Tonbridge number 9 around his legs) on the basis of decorum. Mark Waine added another wicket when his outrageously long run up fooled the batsman into playing early at what he thought would be a stiff delivery but actually arrived in the style of a hand grenade. The last wicket came as Ben Fox managed to hit the stumps with his return throw from the deep cover boundary and run out one of the belatedly ambitious tail batsmen. This was just as well as the two fielders at the bowler’s end had not yet decided which one of them would take responsibility for backing up the stumps by the time the ball arrived. Oh how we laughed. The merciful end arrived and Tonbridge stated that they had rarely been so outmatched by an opposition. Their Captain insisted on reminiscing over a cool drink about the tactics employed by Hudson in order to learn what he could. The score, lopsided as it was, seemed to be an incidental factor in what was probably the best match in VI-King’s history. A wonderful reminder of why we play the game, unlike other Saturdays during the “summer” which are dreary, dark, rain-soaked and make one wonder why we bother at all (sound familiar?).
Ultra posse nemo obligatur.

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